Auntie love

Those of you who know me probably never really expected that I will be an aunt and my sister will be a mum so soon. 

Well, life happens...literally. 

More than a month ago, my sister gave birth to an adorable baby boy and I became an aunt, a proud aunt.

This post is a bit of a confession and also a beginning of a route to discovery what being and aunt means and feels like.

A can already say that my feelings have been all over the place - from deep love to an irrational fear. 

Every moment of being an aunt teaches me something new:

- My ear-drums shake wildly and try their best to endure the intense cry. 

- My mind (constantly preoccupied by worried at the normal state) let´s go and let´s itself being absorbed by the rare split moment when he actually stares in my eyes.  

- My heartbeat almost instantly synchronises with his heartbeat while I hold him against me. 

- I get goosebumps when he rests his pillow soft palm on my face.

- I surf on the wave of adrenalin when that makes me sweat so badly that I feel the drops of sweat running down my lower back while trying with all my might to calm down the roar coming from that 3,5 kilos of a new human being.

Nothing really prepared me however for the amount of responsibility and fear that will overwhelm and almost paralyse me.

Holding a baby - not yours, yet as close to you as it can be - comes with an incredible sense of responsibility. It bloody is not some sort of a thing you can replace, or an animal you can pet. It is a living breathing, ear-drum-shaking cry producing human being with a future...a future that you want to be the brightest as possible.

My mind immediately became an over-producing typewriter of all the possibly horror scenarios that might happen to the baby. 

No matter how stupid your thoughts are (when was the last time you tripped over your legs while walking on a flat surface really!) you still want to make sure that you will be just insanely extra-careful.

Now might be a time to admit that I also turned into an over-protective and over-caring lioness and to say that I did not hesitate to cycle 20 kms forth and 20 kms back to the nearest cherry farm, to pick the darkest possible cherries so that my sister can snack on them and the baby (in my mind) can get the best possible nutrion.

Yeah, I know...the cherries from the local supermarket might have been just good enough, but there simply is no arguing with a proud aunt. 

The precious precious moments of peace

You know that sentence from cheesy romantic books "I looked at his eyes and I was lost"...that actually is the truth for me and my little nephew. 

His glance can wander, but from time to time he does focus on me. He looks at me with his eyes that you still cannot tell a colour of...the eyes that yet have seen so little of what is to see out there and I am completely lost. 

I cannot help but wonder...

What do I see there? Do I see anything? Do I see what I want to see? Do I see the end of the world / the beginning / the ultimate truth or innocence? 

And what does he see? Does he see the almost 25-year-old person who never thought she would be an aunt before she was a mother? Does he see the person who is still trying to figure out what she wants? Or does he see a person whos eyes have the same colour as his moms and whos voice is almost identical to hers and yet have so little in common?

Well, I guess I will just have to find out in the exciting days and years of being an aunt to come.

3 best compliments I ever got

Few days ago. I overheard a conversation of a couple when one person was almost attacking the other one, trying the make him say a compliment. 

That really got me thinking what does define a "compliment", why do we need to hear them and if it is only after hearing them that we actually get a full grasp of what the comliments referred to.

I am not a person seeking compliments and validation, but I hearing some nice things about myself understandably brightens my day.

That, with all honesty, does not happen very often. 

When I get compliments, they sound ... uhm ... special. 

The overheard conversation really scared me though and so I decided to go ahead and share with you 3 best compliments I ever got. 

The aim is to show that if compliments occur, can take any form and you can always take them in a way you want.

Disclaimer - the following sentences might not have been originally meant as compliments, but I choose to take them as such. 

I absolutely love the fact that Mr. Darke and Mr. Hernandez were able to notice those particular qualities of mine and comment on them in a very heart-warming way. :)

1. "You seem very awkward, but you don´t hide it, you own it. Is is a unique quality." Mr. Darke

2. "If I were your legs, I would run away. All that running, mountaneering and shit." Mr. Hernandez 

3. "One can just never tell, when you´re on your period, you are just nice all the time." Mr. Hernandez 

The Halfmarathon

I always knew that one bright and sunny day I will run a half-marathon. I just never knew that the day would come so soon.

When I run, I run for the joy. I run in the woods and parks and don´t really enjoy crowds of people joining in.
When I run, I prefer to have animals around, not 11 thousand people.
When I run, I run with a pepper spray and my ID. A pepper spray just in case I´d need to protect myself and the ID in case the pepper spray fails and they will need to identify my body.

Though it might not sound like me, I always wanted to run a half-marathon. As a matter of a fact, I posted this image from one of my morning runs on 15/05/2015 saying "Make a wish. Mine is to run half marathon one day."

Before I proceed to how it all happened, I think one should clarify the misconceptions that float around a half-marathon Prague run.

It is going to hurt!

"Julie, prepare yourself, there is going to be pain, it is bloody going to hurt" - well, that is what I heard multiple times from people with whom I discussed it with. I can tell you one thing. If those people ever got the kind of period pain some of us get, they would never say that a half-marathon hurts. And just to clarify, I am not putting on a brave face, I actually have a very bad tolerance to pain.
At one point I did feel my left Achilles tendon going stiff and ache a little, but after a while the pain went away.
It can hurt...but welcome the pain, acknowledge it and let it go. There might even be the voice telling you to stop and slow down...but let it just pass you ears. You have much more strength than you think.

Shoes

They are important, you do want to choose shoes that will comfortably carry you through a distance that might usually take up a day of walking. My advice is don´t stress it. If your shoes are comfy, don´t feel bad that they are not Nike or Adidas. Mine were old, second hand shoes that I actually did not even have time to clean up from mud.

>"ewww Julie, why are you posting pics of your blistery feet?"..."well, you are very welcome world<
 

Cobble stones will kill you Julie

"Running on coble stones is the worst" - honestly it is not the most fun thing to do, but people who say that should try wearing highheels and walking (not to say running) on cobble stones.

Make sure that you sleep well

Let´s all take a moment and acknowledge that sleep is the best.
I love to sleep and I can turn into a grumpy monster if I don´t have my 8 hours a night.
It probably is very desirable to get as much of it before the run as you can, right? Well, yeah probably...but the nights before the race I barely was getting 5 hours of sleep a night. You can do it even if you don´t relax enough before it.

Energy drinks and all that jazz

Ahhh, so many people had those energy drinks and gels and all those fancy thingies to make you think that they give you energy and all. I never had any of this and hell I did not need it. I found 4 chewing gums (my alltime favourite lime ones) in my pocket and that was it.

What a rebel you are! (?)

As you can see, I probably broke every possible rule you might read in some sort of a running guide, which I never actually read anyway. Truthfully, I did not even know what was the exact route of the run! I am not a rebel, I just don´t think one should overdo it. There is a million pieces of advice floating around on the internet, but your body will know better than any technology, smart food or anything.

My running results said that I run every 5 kms in exactly the same speed (with the difference of few seconds) and I had no idea about this, did not have any apps to measure this or anything. Seriously, your body will know what to do. Don´t even try to run behind someone, just do your own thing.

Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!

One does not have to win it, you don´t have to finish even. Just bloody enjoy it! If someone was filming my face, they would have thought I was on drugs - I was honestly smiling all the time, the atmosphere was absolutely intoxicating, people cheer, other runners give you smiles. Just charge energy from all the people around, they scream it at you, don´t be afraid to receive it. Even if I did not finish it would have been worth it, don´t feel like you need to prove anything to anyone, not even yourself.
Embrace the adrenalin lifting up your feet and let it carry you.

Run for yourself, you can do it

Don´t run for anyone else but yourself. I did not have anyone in the audience and when I called my mum to actually tell her what I did (since I did not know if I was going to do it, noone knew) her first reaction was "God, you tell me you did not finish last". The truth is you are in this alone (though there might be another 11 thousand people around you) and you alone will accomplish it and cheer from it the best, so enjoy it. :)

Here is a TIMELINE of how it all happened:
 

Thursday 31/03/2016, evening, in the tram

My friend Petra posted on Facebook that she is sick and wants someone else to run the Saturday half-marathon for her. I reply to that if one can still do that and get a prompt answer that I should do it.

Friday 01/04/2016, throughout the day

"What have I done", I keep saying to my wise friend Barbara:

• if I don´t run it, I will hate myself and think what a coward I am
• if I run it and cannot finish, I will think what a quitter I am and I will hate myself
• if I run it, finish and became ill from exhaustion, I will hate myself

Barbara listened to me with raised eyebrows and said "Julie, you just have to stop being such a perfectionist and being so hard on yourself".

Friday 01/04/2016, night, my bed

I cannot sleep, I just can´t. I am going through different scenarios in my head. Not a minute of sleep that night. Well, that´s perfect, not enough sleep before a race, just what I needed.

White wine for dinner?

Sunday, 02/04/2016, 0:30, the front of Hemingway pub in Prague

I flip a coin, it lands on my palm and as I uncover my right hand I see the result. Ok, it says that I am running then, oh wait I am running in 9 and half hours and I am still in the centre of Prague and tipsy! I hear a question from my friend, Anna Maria, whether I made sure I ate something starchy, like potatoes. "That is supposed to be good for you", she says. I stare stupidly and my forehead starts to sweat since I am thinking "uhm, not really, I had three glasses of white wine, is that healthy for me?"

>see if you can spot the 1 Czech Crown of my wall of coins that have helped me make decisions<

Sunday, 02/04/2016, 1:30 am, my bed, falling asleep

After I sit for a while in the pub with Anna Maria, Sarah and Rosa I realise that I need to get home while they wait for the absint. I text Petra "You know what? I think I am going to do it". I am finally in bed and think that I shall see in the morning, that my body will tell if we can do it. There is a sentence, that my best English friend Charis once said, ringing in my head as I am falling asleep "I won´t be able to do it, but you...you can do it Julie, you have the balls".

Wake up time!!!

Sunday, 02/04/2016, 07:01 am, my bed

Why did I wake up this early?! I could have been sleeping for another two hours! Don´t you want to make sure that you get a proper rest before a race like this? What am I even doing. I plunge into a bathtub with hot water, trying to relax my muscles. Still cannot make a decision.

Sunday, 02/04/2016, 08:00 am, after getting out of bath

Ok, let´s check out the shoes then. Oh bloody hell, they are ridiculous, I can´t run in those shoes, what would people think. Wait, what! Would I really make this kind of decision based on what might people think? I don´t even have any work out music on my phone, I go online and quickly download first collection of songs that I came across and the name of it - THE BATTLE - caught my attention. It turned out to be perfect for the run.

Sunday, 02/04/2016, 08:30 am, our garden

I open the door to our garden, it´s 9 Celsius degrees and the morning haze just lifted up giving it´s way to a blinding and beautiful sunshine. I step outside and breath in the fresh air, it´s a little chilly, yet perfect for running. All of a sudden I hear a massive roar coming from the centre of Prague and cutting through the cool air. So, it´s beginning, the moderators must have arrived and they are welcoming the media and the early arrived people. Well, this is kind of scary. Do I really want to be a part of it? Wait, but how can I sit home and feed myself with stupid excuses why did I not do it.

Sunday, 02/04/2016, 09:00 am, my room, listening to Spotify

As I am reaching for my sports bra, the special kind that gives your chest a very boyish look and successfully eliminates the painful boobie bounciness, my Spotify playlist if on shuffle and decides to play some songs for me. Two very familiar songs come up. Those are the songs that I would always start my run with (until I got sick and tired of them) Battle Cry and I Bet My Life. "Ok, this is a sign, I should really really do it". Aren´t we humans just suckers for "signs"?

Sunday 02/04/2016, 09:20 am, getting on a tram, meeting other runners

Why did this bosy looking runner just give my dirty shoes such a dirty look? They are dirty, so what...get your skinny runner ass out of the way! Why does everyone around me bloody look like an absolute pro? Hang on...why am I comparing myself to other again, that sure is a highway to hell, I need to stop. Ok, I am just going to do my own thing and let the symphony Vltava, that the loudspeakers along the race expoded with, fuel my trembling feet.

 

The race infact was just ok. I thought, I would run 15 kms, I think I can do that and if I do, I will be proud and get home. In my 13th km I asked myself how do I feel...and I felt ok. So I kept running. Then before I knew it, it was my 17th km...and I realised, it´s only 4 kms till the finish...hell yes, I can do this easy!!!
I finished in 2 hours and 38 minutes. It is not a winning time, but it is win. :)

Did I hit the brick wall every runner fears?

Actually, I never had that feeling. I had some mild crises...but nothing I was not able to slide away with some encouraging and body-phrasing thoughts. A half-marathon is not enough to wear you down and to torture you. You don´t have to put up too much of a fight to get through it, I promise!

A final note?

Honestly, halfmarathon is not too much of a struggle, it is not too much for your body, you can do it even if you will have to push yourself a little. The struggle of thinking and stressing about it is probably more severe than running the actual race.

ANYONE CAN DO IT.

So New Zealand then?

I am a hopeless dreamer and constant worrier, but above all I am a passionate traveller.

So far, I have been to 21 countries and lived in 3.

Yet, there I so many places I need to see! In Europe alone I can name at least another 10.

And then, it feels like I still need to see Patagonia, Peru, Australia, Iceland, Wyoming, Idaho... and of course New Zealand.

Anyway, 2015 taught me not to plan. I stopped planning, but I did decide to apply for a couple of things but not be bombed about it if it did not work out. In the end, I ended up applying for Master´s studies in Sweden (still waiting for the results there) and decided to apply for a Working Holiday Visa (WHV). That is a bit random you might think, but the truth is I for once consulted my intuition instead of constant rationalizing. :)

It all started...

I think...a couple months ago. I booked a consultation at the embassy where I asked all the possible questions about working visas. The deal is that once a year a certain number of visa open for a certain country and what I have been told is that you have to be super quick and type in your details really pronto, so that you are quicker than the masses of other people applying at the same time. To be honest - this scared me so much and I did not even get my hopes up at all.

The day that the application opened

Tuesday 1.3.2016, 10pm was the time that the applications for the visa for 1200 Czech people gets open. During the day, I could not stop the thoughts, about me finally having the option to turn my life around, distracting my attention. Twenty minutes before 10 pm I was sitting infront of my computer, a lovely cup of coffee next to my right hand. 10 pm - the applications are open aaand the website goes down. The amounts of people applying for the visa was more than the website could take. After two and half hours when I kept on clicking F5, pulling my hair and biting my nails of I finally managed to load the page and enter my details.

But...I did not know you wanted this!

Many of my friends were surprised about it and said that they never knew, I wanted to apply. For that I have a simple answer. Unlike what I was brought up to do, I am learning to be selfish and think it is a good thing. Once in the past i was talking to a friend about my idea for a bachelor thesis and another girl overheard it and guess what she wrote hers on. The option to get the visa in NZ was so precious for me that I did not want to have it stolen.

So what now?

I found out four days ago. I woke up, checked my phone that was still being charged and jumped out of the bed. Was this really happening?

"I am pleased to advise you that your application for working holiday visa has now been approved. All the best for your time in New Zealand :)" 

I could not believe it! You know what I loved about it the most? The smiley face at the end of the email!

Off to do some planning then

For now I know that there is a lot of things to be figured out. The insurance, the job hunt, the place to stay, the travelling!

But I will get there, one step at a time. Any kind of help or advice would be golden though.

Valentine' s day? YES or NO!?

This year the Czech market had the biggest turnover of the Valentine day´s related goods ever
and 
as much as I would like to think ...
 We are not all of a sudden turning into romantic human being with the ability of communicating our feelings.
We just buy into the agenda of celebrating this day and "having to buy something because it´s the Valentine´s day and my significant other would be pissed if I would not bring home at least a box of chocolate".

To clarify - I am not a hater. 
I adore the reference to this day in Chaucer´s or Shakespeare´s work.

If you know me, you probably know very well that I am not against expressing romantic feelings either.

I just don´t think that we need a special day for that and especially in country where it´s history is just not relevant.

We don´t need this day set by someone and marketed widely in the media, do we? Moreover, if imported artificially to a place with a clear aim to manipulate and sell.

Why do so we happily and blindly agree on turning feelings into material stuff?

Time for confession - When I was a teenager (unable to fight the media around me massaging my mind and creating wants and needs for me), there was a silly little thought in me, badly wanting to be liked and to receive a Valentine' s card, preferably from someone who I liked.

Well, surprise surprise, that never ever happened.

I did receive a note once, with a name 'Tom' and a telephone number, saying 'call me'. 

Well, that screams "don´t do it", right? 
Ehmmm...being a curious teenager (yeah, let´s blame it on that) I called the number and a deep and possibly 70 year-old voice answered with saying "hallo, what is it?"

I hang up instantly, all embarassed.

But that fake valentine´s card and that one embarassing phone-call made me realise how stupid I was.

SO HERE IS A LITTLE LIST OF WHAT IS WRONG WITH CELEBRATING THIS DAY IN OUR SOCIETIES:

In a nutshell, Valentine´s day in a country where it has no historical roots creates:

- a confusion (among all age goups and sexes)
- fake expectations

Besides:

- if you are single, there is one more reminder of your sometimes involuntary single-self or even your loneliness

- if you are dating someone...you are not sure what the expectation of your partner is and for some couples it might be difficult to communicate it
- most of the windows in the shops are swamped with trashy decorations
- everyone is trying to earn on it as much as the can

It often reinforces stereotypes such as: 
- the expectation for a guy to bring the rose (why not try it the other way around for change)
- the expectation for a girl to cook the dinner
- most of the Valentine´s day ads are portraying heterosexual couples, very much excluding any other possibilities

In a way you are forced to be "romantic" as the shops mostly offer:

- junk food
- cheap alcohol  
- cliche presents

Valentine´s day and me?
As you might have guessed, I don´t celebrate it.
Honestly, the best Valentine´s day was 2 years ago in Scotland when me an Aussie girl Hazel and two American girls Rachel and Courtney cooked rizotto and baked apple & rhubard crumble and talked for a long time about gender equality and the impact of pornography on relationships.

This year´s Valentine´s?
I decided to make a dinner for my ex-classmates. We gossiped about people we know, ate dinner, drank champagne and played Cards Against Humanity, which I proudly won (because I probably own the mind with the most inappropriate thinking).

Oh and by the way? 
People please stop following what media sets as "romantic". There are plenty other things more romantic than a dinner with candles. So stop thinking it, just because you saw it in the latest rom-com. 
Discover for yourself.

Off to Sweden

"So you are not spending Christmas nor the New Year´s at home!?!" 

This is a sentence I have been hearing most frequently when people would ask me...mostly out of politeness than from actually wanting to know. I would hear this sentence and a rich amount of disbelief. Possibly the sentence they wanted to ask next, but swallowed instead was: "what are you...crazy?!"

No...actually there is nothing wrong with me...I think.

Only that, I feel ready for an adventure. Last year I got to spend the Christmas Eve in Germany and the New Year´s Eve in Switzerland it was quite something.

And so, when thinking about what to do this year I realised I have outgrown the good old stay home Christmas. When figuring out where to go I was consulting both my dreams and my financial budget. Eventually, I found a match. I am going to Sweden.

Ok, Sweden is a pretty dear country you might argue, but the truth is the flight tickets were rather cheap. :)

Anyhow, Sweden has been my dream country since my childhood. In fact, the very first book I ever read on my own was The Six Bullerby Children by a Swedish author Astrid Lindgren. Before Harry Potter (before I was 11) that was my favourite book that I would go back to on regular basis. This book got me all interested in the country where is seems like everyone goes by the name of Sven, Karl, Lasse or Lisa.

And yes, I already know what my presents are. We opened them few days ago. We - as in my family. The presents we awesome, turns out they are finally starting to get to know me. The cup is actually made out of bamboo fiber and corn powder, but is dishwasher proof and 100% degradable. The bottle is both for hot and cold drinks, is dishwasher proof and fully recyclable.
Conclusion? Well done family :) I love them!

So, I am not crazy by not wanting to spend Christmas with my family. 

I am off to Sweden because I want to get to know how other culture understands this event, what traditions surround those dates and how do people celebrate.

With a bit of luck I will make my way up to Lapland and with a little bit more luck I might get to see the Northern lights. Fingers crossed.

And you know what...not sure yet, but I might make it into my life mission.

How thrilling would it be to spend Christmas in different countries each year?

A marriage or...not so much?

As my friends, of the same age as I am, start getting married or even having children I cannot help reflecting on what does the concept of marriage mean for me.

I will try to be completely frank. 

I think for a long time, I have lived in a strange bubble with opinions that have been pre-made for me and that I happily called mine.
But they were not.
I was either adopting them from my parents, who are extremely fortunate to have a true fairy-tale marriage, or from Disney (or simply other kinds of media).

However, I realised, I need to strip myself from them and find out what mine and true opinion is.

 >and I am not saying that it is not going to develop and maybe even change, because it likely will, but this is where I stand now<

Before I do that though I want to get into what the pre-made opinions are, name them and swipe them away for what ever the reason.

Firstly, I think there is a hell lot of cliches and misconceptions floating around the concept of marriage.

To a large extend I have been influenced by my family, society and culture.

In the family, society and culture that I grew up with a marriage was (at least if you were born a girl) something to strive for, as in ultimate goal in your life ensuring stability and happiness.
If you try to question it, here goes a "feminist label" right there. Wait. Let me stick it to your forehead so that the men with small balls run away while they can and later make hater comments.

Think for a minute...Isn´t it the biggest pretense ever?
 I mean...there has always been this ritual of two people getting together and acknowledging their belonging with each other with a celebration. But when did that become the very ultimate goal ensuring universal happiness?

Secondly...let´s think for a bit about what do really fairy-tales and cartoons that we grow up with teach us. The story usually ends with two people getting married and saying then that they lived happily ever after.
Two questions there.
So they had to get married in order to live happily, weren´t they able to be happy before that?
 So...are we suggesting that marriage the ultimate happiness to strive for even in a EU society where half of the marriages ends up in a divorce?
>and don´t get me wrong here, I am not advocating for bringing the issue of a divorce in the fairy-tale<

Nevertheless, I dare say that this creates a false picture about the goals to reach for yourself, relationships, weddings and the marriages itself.

Thirdly, what just really bugs me about the marriage is that people let themselves be manipulated into expecting that it will be the best day of their lives.
The thing is, that it probably won´t.
The expectations are too high, many things (can) go wrong, the adrenalin and nerves are kicking in...and people often describe it as being in sort of a vacuum unable to recall details.
I think it is not the day that shall be standing out, it is the mutual relationship that shall be cherished and just not that one day, but all the days. Not this one day should be the best day of your life, it can be just any day or days.

"He finally asked her to marry him"

The other day, I overheard a conversation of two women in the gym and it went something like this: "so she finally had her way and he proposed".

 This somewhat common belief that women want to get married and men are supposed to be the ones to propose just enhances stereotypes in the society. 

Is it just me or did it really sound more like "so he finally gave up and submitted to the hers and societal expectations"? 

I am not being a radical feminist here, I am saying, there should not be any rules spoken or unspoken as to what each gender should do or expect. 

Finally...

I think that I would like to get married one day.
To me it should not be about the dress, the cake and it will probably not be "the best day of my life" (as people like to say so terribly often). To me it would be a celebration of two people who wish to belong with each other ... until they don´t. 

Don´t make a mistake...I am not saying "belonging to someone", I am saying "belonging with someone".

I am not a religious person, I don´t think that there is a need to be married in a special kind of building (besides, God should be everywhere anyway so...), but if that´s what floats people´s boats, then why not. 

Oh and by the way...

Yes, the wedding day can be the best day of your life. 

But, don´t set this for yourself as if you want it to be the best day of your life.
Maybe your first date was.
Or maybe it was that Sunday in mid-April when you went to the park and the first proper sunshine was warming up your faces.
Or maybe you are living your best day just now.

Don´t set yourself for false expectations for "the big day"...or don´t let marriage be the ultimate goal in your life.

A take home message?
Do not submit into buying what media sets for you to strive for.

If you do, don´t be disappointed if it does not work out...because it was almost designed not to. 

And a bonus!

Here is how a marriage looks like in 

matriarchal societies.

>notice specifically the proposal, inheretance and divorce issues<